Reclaming
by IrishLeFay
Summary: Dee finds the strength to speak of something that he's never told anyone before, not even Ryo.


Disclaimer: Dee and Ryo aren't mine… yet. Muhahaha. Lyn and Andrew belong exclusively to each other, and only rent out the rights to themselves to me. So unless you want one very pissed Irishman beating your ass with his lover's crutch, I don't recommend using them.

Warning: This story deals with the after effects of sexual assault.

Reclaiming

Part I: Dee Speaks

By: Irish

"I don't really want to be here…" Dee grumbled as Ryo dragged him along by the wrist across the college campus. "There's no reason for me to be here."

"She asked you to be here, that's reason enough." Ryo replied. "You've seen her through every other step of this, it only makes sense that she'd want you here for this one." Ahead of them, the two detectives could see a gathering centralized around the fountain in the center of campus. The group was mostly women, though some men were scattered through out. A-frame signs declared the gathering as "Take Back the Night".

"Yeah, but…" Dee didn't finish the sentence though, having no logical argument. As they reached the edge of the group, Dee spotted four familiar forms, Andrew in his wheel chair, Lyn sitting next to him on a blanket on the cement with both girls.

"Hey," Ryo smiled at the men, dropping into a flat-footed crouch on the other side of Andrew. "We made it, though I practically needed a team of horses to get Dee here." Dee didn't reply, instead, kneeling down on the edge of the blanket with Lyn, leaning down to give Annie a hug when she held her arms up to him. Keiry, for a change of pace, was asleep, her head on her current favorite stuffed animal, Andrew's leather jacket draped over her. There was a benefit to a deaf child; they could sleep through a lot.

A woman stood on the edge of the fountain, a microphone in her hand, speaking to the crowd, her voice wavered, and tears slipped down her cheeks as she related her story to the crowd. Dee sighed. "Have you seen Lisa?"

"She's up towards the front. She agreed not to actually call any attention to you, though she said she had every intention of handing your card around. I helpfully gave her as many as I had." Lyn smirked a little.

"Hell," Dee sighed again. "At least I can be here somewhat anonymously. Until she starts handing my card around. I'm not SVU, there's only so much I can do, you know." Dee shook his head. Lisa had contacted Dee through a third party, a woman named Jane who had stayed with him for a time while getting resettled in the city after escaping an abusive relationship through the women's underground. Lisa had been sexually assaulted in her dorm room, and had been hesitant to contact the police. Jane worked for the women's center here on campus, and Dee wasn't sure of all of the details, but it ended up with him getting a three a.m. phone call. He'd taken her report, and had ended up working the case with SVU. There was no guarantee the case would even make it to trial, that was in the D.A.s hands now (though Lyn was pulling what strings he had).

"You're empathetic, Dee, that's what needs to be done more than any of the rest of it." Lyn replied, glancing over at Dee. "I plan to tell my story too, though I promise to leave you to your anonymity as well," he smiled a little. "Though I considered making you stand up and take a bow." Dee growled wordlessly, and Lyn laughed, shaking his head. "Who would have thought you would be so modest?"

"I'm not being modest. I just think it's silly that everyone is so grateful for me doing my job. The only reason it's considered "above and beyond the call of duty" is because some how 90% of cops are assholes. Hell, _I'm_ an asshole." Dee replied.

"Dee, you know I love your colorful language, but the one that's awake is the one that can hear you, and if I hear cuss words coming out of her sweet little mouth, I know exactly whose fault it is." Andrew said, his tone bemused.

At the fountain, the girl finished relaying her own story of being sexually assaulted, and set the mic down, stepping down from the fountain to the comforting arms of friends and a box of tissue. Another woman stood up, and talked about her own experience as a "secondary victim" being the first outcry person for a close friend. Dee had been to a Take Back the Night Rally before, many years ago when he'd been in the academy. They served a purpose, but he personally found it to be torture, listening as woman after woman spoke about their experience with violence and rape. It was good, for others to bear witness to their pain, it was good for them to speak out, and maybe to bring some awareness to the community at whole… but Dee wanted nothing more than to someday be out of job because there was no more crime and violence, especially not this kind.

"You should speak, you know." Lyn said quietly, after a moment of silence listening to the current speaker. "It's not formal you know, it's more like a Quaker meeting. People stand and speak as the spirit moves them."

"What?" Dee asked, little sharper than he meant.

"About being a cop and how rape and domestic violence affects you and your work," Lyn replied, his tone innocent. He'd answered a little to smoothly though, his eyes a little to knowing, and Dee's eyes narrowed and he looked away.

"Guys like me are part of the problem. I don't want to detract from anyone else's need to speak out." He replied with a shrug.

"Uh hu," Lyn said, his tone just faintly skeptical. Dee was starting to wonder if dragging him here was some kind of conspiracy.

A couple other women stood and spoke their stories, as calmly as they could, though it often still involved a lot of tears. Ryo moved over next to him and resumed his flat-footed crouch, a position that he could manage pretty much all day, as far as Dee knew. Dee shifted to sit cross-legged, settling Annie in his lap when she climbed onto it. Lisa spoke finally, tearfully. Her eyes sought Dee's in the crowed. He wanted to look away from her, but instead he managed a smile and a thumbs up. He was proud that she was willing to share her story.

As time passed there were longer pauses between speakers, as people who were more reluctant started to share, but they tended to need time to work up the courage. Lyn stood, and on several occasions shifted as though he was going to take his own turn at the mic, but it took several others speaking before Lyn got up the courage and moved forward through the crowd. Andrew was watching with a mix of pride and nerves that Dee could entirely empathize with. He didn't want to particularly remember how he'd first met Lyn, the real first time that he'd not remembered until Lyn told him.

"You'll pardon me if I don't stand up on the fountain, I'm tall enough, don't you think?" Lyn asked the crowd with a nervous smile. There was some laughter. "So, I actually spend a fair amount of time up in front of crowds doing public speaking, but usually I'm teaching sensitivity training or am in front of a jury pleading someone else's case. Tonight, though, I'm here to speak of myself. I know that men are almost always the perpetrators of rape and violence… but sometimes, we're the victims too. It's not quite the same of course, not a system of institutional oppression… but it still happens. I spent two years in an abusive relationship with another man. You all know the details, because many of you have lived them. The bruises, the crushing self doubt, the isolation…" Lyn paused and cleared his throat before continuing. Dee played with the fringe of the blanket.

"For me, it all came to a head the night I decided to leave. Most people have to leave several times before it sticks. I didn't have that option. I'm from overseas, and had no family here, I had no friends that were mine, the only people I knew were his friends first. If there were any shelters that accepted men, I didn't know it. I don't know when I clicked on that I needed to leave. Something in me just spoke, and said that I had to leave. I waited until when I was to get paid, and had canceled the auto deposit that put my money in his account. I picked up the check, went home… he caught me packing." Lyn quivered a moment, the hand holding the mic shook, and he fiddled nervously with his necklace. "He almost killed me, laid me open with a knife from the kitchen, neck to knee. It's amazing how much braver you are, when you're staring death in the face. Nothing left to lose I suppose. I made it very clear what had happened, made a dying declaration. Of course, as I understand it, he was caught by the NYPD, knife in hand and all over blood. I spent some time in the hospital. He was in jail by the time I was released. Otherwise I just may have gone back to him. He wasn't my last abusive relationship, but he was the longest, and the worst. I came through, though, I survived. I have two daughters, with my partner, Andrew. I'm a modestly successful lawyer. I survived, and I kept surviving. That's more victory than I could have ever imagined. There is always a light at the end of the tunnel, no matter how long it takes to get there." Lyn smiled a small but genuine smile, his voice a thick. "I try to tell my story every year, here, so I don't forget it, so that I can reach out to others, and because part of what makes domestic violence possible is silence. Breaking my silence gives me power, and is the biggest 'screw you' to my abuser that I can think of. Thank you for listening."

Lyn set the mic down carefully, and then waded back through the crowd to the soft of applause of those watching. When he reached the trio waiting for him, he threw himself into Andrew's arms. Dee watched a moment before returning his gaze to the blanket, bouncing Annie on his knee, She was just two now, and he wondered if she'd remember any of this, if Lyn would tell her this when she was older. Dee rather thought he should. She should know her daddy, how strong he was.

Dee listened to more stories, glancing sometimes at his lover crouched beside him. His thoughts were chasing themselves rather chaotically, his own demons being dredged up. He had a deep well of secrets that he never shared. Alluded to, yes… but Ryo hadn't put the pieces together yet, Dee was pretty sure. But how did you tell your lover something like that? What was the point in speaking now, nothing could be done anyway.

He had no idea how it was he came to be standing on the edge of the fountain. He had some vague memory of walking through the crowd in slow motion, of picking up the microphone, and stepping up on the stone ledge. There were probably about a hundred people staring at him, though Dee could tell they weren't seeing him, but the badge and gun he wore. Maybe that was for the better. He dared one glanced over at the trio of men he'd just left. Lyn and Andrew were holding hands tightly, Lyn smiling with a look of triumph that made Dee want to give him a kick in the pants. Damned know-it-all mick. Ryo just look surprised and vaguely amused. Dee closed his eyes a moment and took a deep breath. When he opened them he looked out over the heads of the crowd. Ryo obviously had no idea what was coming.

"Ah, so, I have no idea how I even ended up here. Apparently my feet made the choice with little input from the rest of me." Dee said, glad for the mic, as he was speaking quietly, unable to manage any force behind his voice when his chest felt so tight. "But, I'm a man a faith… and when the spirit moves you, when your heart speaks, it's best to get your mouth going along. I'm a detective with the NYPD, and I came straight from work to support some friends, I had no intention of speaking. I'm not a public-speaking sort of guy." He paused to take a deep breath as a semi-hysterical giggle threatened.

"I won't try and tell you all that the NYPD is here to help. As many of you have told your stories about being revictimized by the police, it would be both a lie and an insult to your intelligence. But I'm not here to speak as the NYPD. I'm here because I have my own story to share. I've never told anyone before. Not a soul. This has always been between me, God, and the perpetrator." Another deep breath, this time to keep from throwing up.

"When I was ten, I was sexually assaulted." Dee said, staring resolutely over everyone's heads, looking slightly off to one side, not wanting to be able to see Ryo even out of the corner of his eye. "I grew up a ward of the state and lived in an institution, an orphanage. We didn't have any privacy; there were no doors, especially not in the bathroom. Nothing that could be shut or locked. Some of you may think that that is abuse in and of itself… but it was for our own safety, so that it was harder to be cornered, so that if a kid started screaming, there was no way to lock the Sisters out. See, the older kids… well no few of them were past the point of saving. It was in the middle of the day, I'd been excused from school for one reason or another, I don't recall, and appointment maybe. I took advantage of all the other kids being gone, and took a shower. I thought no one else was around. I was wrong. One of the older boys was still there. I didn't even see him coming. I was standing at a sink, combing my hair out. The next think I knew, my face had been slammed into the sink, and I was watching blood from my nose dribble down the porcelain to the drain. He held my head there."

Dee took another deep breath. The crowd was still and silent, out of respect, he knew, as he too had sat stone still during the hardest parts of other's stories. "See… when you have control of someone's head, there's not much they can do to fight back, bent over, your center of balance is off. My hands were wet, so I couldn't even brace on the sink or the tiled wall, my hands just slipped off. And then…" he couldn't actually bring himself to say it though, feeling hot tears pressing against the back of his eyes, and his throat close up. He struggled to keep his breathing even.

"I could have screamed, you know. I think most people would have, just in shock, but… all I could think of was what the nuns would think. It was my fault; I should have gotten dressed and not stood around in my towel. I shouldn't have lingered in the bathroom, I should have heard him coming. I didn't want the Sisters to see me like that. So I stayed quiet, though I'm sure there was a nun just on the other side of the wall. He cracked my head on the sink again when he was done. When I woke up, I showered again, and dressed, still bleeding. I had a pretty good concussion… so I staggered pretty bad when I went to find one of the Sisters. They wanted to take me to the doctor, but I pitched such a fit they couldn't even get me in the car. I never told them, I just said I slipped in the bathroom and hurt myself. Hit my head. I don't know that they believed me… but I didn't want to talk, and they didn't have the time to try and make me, or the money to pay someone else to make me. I had to live with the kid who did it to me for another three years. I've bumped into him more than once since then. It effects my life still, every day, though I pretend it doesn't, I hide it. Because the silence is easier. Because if you can hide the wound, it's easier than excising it… only it never heals. I don't know if speaking up now will change anything for me for the better. In fact I may have just made things worse… but if my story can help anyone, anyone at all… then it's worth it."

Dee stepped off the stone ledge at that, and set the microphone down, unsure what to do with himself from there. The choice was taken from him though, as Lisa threw herself at him from nowhere, hugging him hard, sobbing all over again. Dee was taken aback at her reaction, and just patted her back; murmuring soothingly, glad for any delay that kept him from returning to Ryo's side. He was trying hard not to look at anyone at all. Lisa finally let go of him, and returned to her own friends, and someone else was speaking, and Dee was left with no choice but to move back to where his friends and Ryo were, watching his feet as he threaded through the crowd. When he got back to the blanket, Lyn's face was damp and blotchy, and he embraced Dee fiercely. Ryo was nowhere to be seen. After a few words with Lyn and a hug from Drew, Dee returned to his position on the cement, not asking about where Ryo was. He felt numb, and his mind chattered uselessly, frantically, sure that this had been too much for Ryo to handle. On the outside, though, he simply sat quietly as the rally continued.

Author's Note: This story was inspired by attending the Take Back the Night rally on my own campus. I've always felt that Dee had probably been sexually assaulted as a child, it's hard to image he wouldn't have been, considering the conditions he grew up under. I could never think of what would prompt him to ever actually tell his story. He would find it almost impossible to speak to only one person about it. After being at the rally, though, I realized that this would be the venue which Dee would finally break his own silence. Because he wouldn't be doing it for himself, he'd be sharing to help others, and because it wouldn't put the burden of trying to respond appropriately on any one person. I encourage everyone to participate in their local Take Back the Night activities. Some of them have more general themes of violence, instead of specifically sexual and domestic violence, but regardless, it's a good cause. Part two will be Ryo's response. Don't worry, he's not being an asshole I swear.


End file.
